It seems fitting these thoughts on human connection in running, follow on from James Stewart’s recent blog on the World 24 Champs, where he discusses the friendships he made whilst running for Team GB.
Oriah Mountain Dreamer grabs our attention with both hands, in her opening sentence from my favourite poem; The Invitation: “It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing ….”. She alludes to courage and passion, (something I see a lot in the Pyllon coached athletes) her focus is on matters of the heart, not materialism. She covers exactly what matters throughout this beautiful poem. The start of this poem often plays in my head when I meet someone new, and their initial conversation opening is “Hi, what do you do for work”. Now I appreciate this is a standard conversation starter - but a little part of my soul dies at this question - each and every time. I feel this line of conversation automatically gives rise to aspersions and judgements being cast in terms of our earnings and education level and possibly our interests. It allows us to be put in a box. I frequently dare myself to return this standard social query with that exact first sentence of The Invitation, but I never do (wimp).
Very often these conversations are held at weddings or similar social gatherings. Where, I am most likely having a superb time, am the first on the dance floor, engaging in interesting conversation and great banter and yes I may feel a connection with others, but it simply does not match the connection I have with runners. Let me explain why.
In it’s most straight forward form, human connection has been defined as “an energy exchange between people who are paying attention to one another. It has the power to deepen the moment, inspire change and build trust”
Over the years, it seems the vast majority of my friends are runners and I passionately believe we develop a special connection with the people we run with. Have you ever considered what proportion of your friends are runners versus non-runners? Does the divide surprise you?
As an ultra-runner, I’m sure I’m not alone when I say I have run for hours on end with near strangers, and come away feeling I have gained a new bestie. But what creates this sense of togetherness?
Both human and animal psychology fascinates me and I have a few of my own random theories in relation to why I think running deepens human connections. These are just my notions; some you may laugh at, others may resonate.
1. Eye Contact
When we run with others, eye contact is significantly reduced compared to most other social scenarios. I see this as a positive thing and as a springboard into the start of a connection.
Eye contact is a significant part of human communication. Avoiding eye contact is often a sign of insecurity and self-doubt. But in a running setting, it can be liberating. It means we do not see someone’s reaction to something we say, so we can’t misinterpret it and then worry about being judged or mocked. Instead, we run along, either side by side or one in front of the other, harmoniously, and chat away; with limited eye contact. Sometimes the chat borders on the ridiculous (a sex toy business for runners – discussed by me and Jess at Pyllon Experience 2 – look out for us on Dragon’s Den) but other times the conversation can get pretty deep.
I believe this reduced eye contact helps us feel safe and secure, perhaps uninhibited. We may feel as if we are just talking to ourselves. It makes us more comfortable with expressing vulnerability. This leads us to revealing more and more personal information and as we reveal more and more information, so too does our running buddy. This confidant trade off builds trust, and so our connection deepens.
2. Acceptance of Others
I was barely a teenager when I found running. It quickly became a way to calm my over active brain and settle the “ants in my pants”. Contrary to my cool and calm
exterior, I have a million hamsters running on wheels inside my brain, and this can be tiring. I have come to understand, and accept, my own mental health limitations. But back in the early days, when social media did not yet exist (arguably a positive thing) and mental health was not so readily discussed, I thought I was the only one who turned to running to bring a sense of calm to my brain. I don’t think it is a coincidence that many runners I know personally and follow on social media, also have their own battles with mental health. Perhaps this is linked to my belief that runners are always running either towards something or away from something. Understanding that fellow runners may have their own struggles, not only encourages a level of kindness that I believe is fairly unique to running, but also helps promote a celebration and acceptance of each of us as an individual. Showing and receiving acceptance and understanding helps deepen our connection.
3. Runners High
We all know beta-endorphin levels spike in the brain following a run. There are also a whole load of other incredible chemical reactions that take place in the brain and body, both during and after exercise, including an increase in the level of neurotransmitters, (pardon the vague science blurb, I’m obviously no scientist). And so we get what we all recognise as the runners high. Building on this, I believe we unknowingly attribute the feelings of our runners high to the people we run with. For example, my internal dialogue post a decent run is often “YES, YES, YES, I am capable of anything, life is great, I am infallible and Cath (or whoever I have been running with) is the most awesome person in the world”. And so our connection deepens.
4. Silence
I can’t hold a conversation with some of my best friends in the entire world, yet our connection is deep to my core. The fact these friends are dogs is a little off topic, but my point is, we do not need conversation to connect. Whilst it may seem somewhat awkward to sit in a pub in silence, it’s wholly acceptable to embrace a comfortable silence, whilst out running. Sometimes just experiencing a beautiful trail together is enough to feel alive within a human connection. Despite my blabbermouth, even I know that silence can be golden. It can help us be truly present, allowing us to be aware of our own body and heighten our senses in an almost meditative manner. And with this shared experience, so our connection deepens.
5. Relatable
When you live and breathe running and it has infiltrated every artery and vein in your body, you relate so completely to other runners. You know what it takes to push yourself out of your comfort zone. You know the dedication, determination and sometimes monotony of training. The getting up early and training in all weathers, whilst the “normal” (debatable) are curled up watching Netflix. You know how the personal wins feel and how crushing the lows can be. It is very easy to project a little bit of ourselves on to our fellow runners and literally feel and experience their emotions.
I feel the successes and achievements of my running tribe as if they were my own. The energy and exhilaration of a race that has gone well for another raises me up. Similarly, I feel absolutely crushed for a running buddy if a race hasn’t gone so well or an injury surfaces.
I express these emotions by reaching out with words and hugs and either help celebrate or offer words of comfort. Either way, I get how they feel. I can relate. And knowing how they feel highlights our similarities and so our connection deepens.
I’ve initially focused on the connection with our fellow runners. But what about the deepening of our connections with friends and family, or perhaps even colleagues, who don’t run? The smarter we train, by taking a holistic approach to our running, the greater our self-awareness, this benefits other areas of our lives. So, this can only be a good thing for our partners, family and friends right?
So there we have it, a few quirky ideas as to how I feel running helps to deepen human connection. It’s all about a mutual empathy, compassion, trust and openness with a humongous dose of authenticity along with some shared experiences chucked in for good measure. In keeping with Oriah Mountain Dreamer, I don’t actually know what some of my running tribe do for a living, but I sure as hell know “what sustains them from the inside when all else falls away.